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February 1st, 2011

11:55 am: Haven't been on here in years. Just checking to see that my journal is still here and checking to see what's new with LJ

September 19th, 2008

07:50 am: tough week
Things have been rough this week. I'm still trying to come to terms with what happened this last Tuesday. It's difficult. I log onto this journal and see the picture of Olivia sitting on Cheyenne. I go to bed at night and keep seeing that image of her lying in the field. When I wake up in the morning, it's the first thing I think about... I keep waiting to wake up and realize this was all a bad dream so I can run out to the field and give her a huge hug.

I'm not sure that Olivia understands fully. We picked her up last night in Dayton after meeting my parents halfway. On the way home I explained to her that Cheyenne was gone and she said, "but we still have kitties." Yes, Olivia we stil have kitties. LOL 

I hope that tonight when we go out to feed them after I'm off work, it doesn't upset Olivia too much. Over the past few weeks, she's started a new tradition with me of walking out with me to feed the horses after I get home and she gives them carrots and laughs as their lips move back and forth while they're chewing on the carrots.

It's hard to say how long it will be before things feel back to normal at home. Part of me wants to take up lessons again so that I can at least stay involved in one way or another, or maybe even start transitioning Tiara into being the riding horse that I hope she can become. I mean we can ride her, but it was like night and day riding her and riding Cheyenne. Then there is Rainbow, who I am seriously considering sending to my trainer, Mike once we have built up our emergency fund again.
 
The more I think about it, the more I think that it was my neighbor who let her out. I know that she was let out sometime in the afternoon because there wasn't a trace of hay or grain left in her stall from the morning feeding. I don't think that the person who did this thought that any harm could come from it - they may have even thought that they were doing some good by letting her stretch her legs and making it appear like she just got out herself (not being smart enough to realize that we would put two and two together since the latch was not broken and there were no scuffs on the door leading us to think that she might have been pushign on it). Our neighbor boy who loves the horses and comes over to feed them carrots was really upset last year because we went on vacation and the horses were in their stalls for a few days. We have another neighbor watching them and we had asked her to keep them inside so that we wouldn't have to worry about anything happening (basically for liability reasons while we were gone). Our neighbors got all upset - the teenage boy would come home every day from school and say, "mom the horses are not out!" (they told us this later which is why I know...) So they called animal control. We found out it was them and talked with them about it. Afterwards they felt pretty stupid for thinking that our animals were abused for not getting out.

But that is the only thing that really really makes me wonder. There was also a beer can that we found in Cheyenne's stall around the time we got back from vacation which was also VERY strange. It was a type of beer that Anthony had never drank in his life and there's no way it got there on its own!

It still kills me though - WHY Cheyenne? Is it because she was the only one that the neighbors have ever ridden? They knew she was the most docile of our three and the best behaved one. They knew that she would never hurt a soul. So maybe for that reason, they figured no harm in letting her out. BUT if it were that big of a deal why not just come over to our house and ask Anthony to let her out or ask why we chose to keep them in their stalls for 2 days?

I'll never know the answers to these questions. I keep going back to last week too, when she colicked that evening. It wasn't a bad colic - she was not interested in her food and was looking at her belly. The weird thing was that she almost appeared that day like one of her legs was stiff, which was alarming to me. She also almost had a sick smell to her which worried me as well. We gave her a dose of banamine and turned her out in the field so we could monitor her from our house. She went back to eating all of her hay within probably 20 minutes. Anthony double checked on her that night and she was fine. Each day after that I kept asking How's Cheyenne doing? Each day Anthony told me she was good, and not having any problems. But I wonder if that was a predecessor of what was to come. I mean was there something internally wrong that we didn't know of or didn't see? Was this inevitable no matter what? She had dropped weight this year. I thought it was due to the quality of hay we were feeding, because we always gave her a very large portion of hay.
 
The hardest part is just not knowing and not being able to say goodbye. I always thought that when my horse passed over the rainbow bridge that it would be something we were prepared for, and that she'd die in my arms or that we would have to humanely euthanize her so she could die in her sleep. I never wanted it to end this way because I feel like it was a horrible painful death and I've always wanted to protect my horses from pain.

Maybe someday we will have answers. For now it just helps to get my thoughts out.

Rest in Peace, Cheyenne. Your spirit will always be with us and we love you.


September 17th, 2008

09:18 am: Devestated.
 I know it's been forever since I updated, but I need to write right now.

I can't believe I'm actually typing these words right now. Devestated doesn't even come close to how I'm feeling and I'm still really in a state of shock.

Yesterday I came home from work to find my favorite horse lying in the pasture. As I zoomed my car out to see what I knew before I got out there, my worst nightmare came true. My beautiful 13 year old QH mare was dead.

I called Anthony from the house who ran out with Max (Livie is visiting my parents thankfully). We were hysterical, both crying in disbelief and shock. All we could say was No! Not Cheyenne.

Her door was wide open, but there were no signs of the door being forced open. We have latches that are impossible for the horses to move (they'd have to pull up and then move them to the side.) Cheyenne's stall door was so difficult to open that I've been bugging my DH for weeks to fix the latch because it would often take me 2 minutes just to pry the stupid thing open. With that said, the only way she got out was if someone let her out.

The whole thing just didn't make any sense. It was so hard to look at her. It didn't even look like her.  Her belly was VERY swollen and her eyes looked very red. It also looked like there were traces of blood in her ears. We had just had hurricane force winds the other day which shut down power everywhere and blew Oak Leaves into our pasture. I know that oak leaves can be toxic so the horses were kept inside over the past few days so they wouldn't ingest fresh oak leaves. Cheyenne had oak leaves in her mouth. She's very prone to colic and just colicked last week so I think what happened was she was let out, then ate a ton of oak leaves (she was my little piggy and would eat anything) and she got a bad colick and no one was there to save her.

That is the part that kills me inside. I wasn't there for her. (flood of tears)

We had the police come out. Anthony almost took it harder than I did because he was home during the day watching Max but he is working on web building and never saw anything. Our neighbor never saw anything either and she left at 2 PM. So it happened sometime between 2 and 5.

With the power being out in our area the schools are out. I wondered if some kids up to no good might have been wandering through the woods behind the barn. We have almost like a run-in shed so you can easily walk up to the stalls (run-in shed with stalls). It would be easy for someone to walk up and let her out. The horse in the middle stall also had her door latch like it had started to open. But why? Why would someone just let out someone's horse?

I'm devestated. I still can't believe that this happened. We have... We had 3 horses. Out of the 3, Cheyenne was THE exceptional one. She was the one who was irreplacable. My 4 year old could ride her and I never worried. She was the one I had plans for my children to grow up with. She was my first horse that I got when she was only a yearling, 12 years ago. I expected her to be around at least another 13 years!

My entire life when I was growing up all I could do was beg and beg my parents for a horse. I never got one until I was old enough to buy one myself. When I turned 19, my dream came true and Cheyenne came into my life as this beautiful little sorrel baby with a gorgeous flaxen mane and tail. She had golden legs, as I used to say and a personality that was unmatched. You could shoot off a gun near that horse and she'd just stand there looking at you. She never spooked the entire timeI had her - even as a baby. She was the one who was the smartest. She was with me throughout my years at college when I went to the university for Equestrian studies. She was with me throughout so many parts of my life - moving out of the home, moving out of the state, meeting my husband, having children.. Cheyenne was always the focal point to all of the decisions I made. The house I live in now, we decided not to downsize because we could NEVER EVER sell Cheyenne. The other two horses - well we could sell them if push came to shove with finances, but Cheyenne was the one that I would never ever part with. She was priceless.

When she was only a 2 year old, I had met a trainer in my area who was really impressed with her. We took her to shows in the local area and she cleaned up with blue ribbons every single time. It was the most exciting time - I'd never shown and here I was walking out with blue ribbons,all attributed to this amazing horse with the cute little compact body. She was only 14.2.

I'm not sure how to go on. I've never experienced the loss of a horse. It affects me on so much deeper of a level than losing a cat or a dog. I can't stop crying and wishing that this had never happened, thinking what if Anthony had just looked outside and seen something. What if I hadn't gone to work yesterday? What if we had her boarded somewhere instead of keeping her here? So many what ifs and I just keep thinking it wasn't supposed to happen this way. She was supposed to be here for my children to grow up with. She was supposed to see another show. I wanted so much more for her and now all of those dreams are shattered.

With the economy and the price of hay, it was a stretch to be able to afford 3 horses. She is irreplacable so I won't be buying another horse. I almost feel like I'm not competent to keep the ones I have now, and if foul play was involved, I'm scared for the other two.

I'm just so so so sad. I never would have predicted this in a million years.

September 8th, 2007

12:28 pm: Baby Weeks 1 and 2
 

Week 1-2

The first two weeks after a baby’s birth are generally very uneventful in terms of interaction between baby, parents and siblings. Your new baby will spend much of his time sleeping during these weeks, often causing you to have to wake him up to feed him, change his diapers, etc. You will find yourself wondering when you can play with your baby. Use the time when you are feeding and changing your baby as cuddle time, as time to get to know each other and as time to talk to your baby.

At this point your baby is only awake 10% of the time. This stage is referred to as quiet alert because your baby is often just looking around quietly. Use this time for extra bonding.

Your baby will startle at loud noises like the phone ringing, a plate dropping, or the vacuum cleaner starting up. However, this won’t wake up your baby and your baby will begin to tune it out. You don’t have to worry about too much noise around your baby, as your baby won’t be bothered by it.

What Your Baby Might Be Doing
During the first two weeks of life, your baby won’t be doing much except sleeping. In the few minutes of him being awake, you may notice that your baby seems to be able to focus on your face a bit more than before. You may also notice that your baby is trying to lift his head more frequently during tummy time, actually getting it off the floor for several seconds at a time. If your baby isn’t quite accomplishing these tasks yet, he should be by the end of the first month!

Your Baby’s Umbilical Cord
During the first two weeks one of your jobs when changing your baby’s diaper will be taking care of his umbilical cord. Some doctors suggest patting it dry, while others suggest using alcohol swabs to keep it dry and germ-free. As you keep it clean, your will notice the umbilical cord starting to dry up, shrink and fall off. While it looks bad, and may smell bad, it is a natural process. Once it falls off, there might be a tiny spot of bloody puss, which will probably heal on its’ own within a couple of days.

 

This time last year you weren't even pregnant yet!   Can you believe it? Time flies too fast! Be sure you start chronicling these memories now by creating your free baby journal today!

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Your Baby’s Stool
The first few stools’ your baby has will likely be black in color. These stools are referred to as meconium. The color of and consistency of your babies stool will change to reflect the way you have chosen to nourish your baby. If you are breastfeeding your baby his stools are likely to be yellowish in color, and very loose. If you are giving your baby formula, the color can be from yellowish, to brown, and possibly much firmer, making it seem like your baby is constipated when he is attempting to have a bowel movement. The frequency of a baby’s bowel movement varies from a few times a week, to once a day, or even every diaper change.

Jaundice
You may notice some yellowing of the skin during the first couple of weeks after birth. This is called jaundice and is more common in breastfeed babies than in formula fed babies. If your baby looks too yellow to you, take him to the doctor who will suggest treatments to help clear up the jaundice

What You Might Be Concerned About
Does your baby spit up? Some spit up is normal when you burp your baby. Some babies will spit up and it will seem to be more than “normal” to you. If your baby is spitting up a large consistency at a time, projectile, or at times other than when you burp him, it might be a sign of reflux. If you think your baby is spitting up more than what is normal, write it down, take it to your doctor, and get a professional opinion on the situation and what you should do about it.



August 27th, 2007

07:08 pm: 15 hours to go!!
In about 15 more hours we'll be welcoming our baby!!! Today has gone by super fast. I worked online a little this morning and then DH, Olivia, and I went grocery shopping to pick some last minute meals and stuff. My parents arrived about 2 hours ago and are monopolizing Olivia now but at least I had a great weekend with Olivia and ANthony over the weekend. I want to write about our FUN time at the splash park but I have to go and eat dinner now! 

I'm excited now... no worried... just excitedness. Things are going by so quickly too. I have a paper journal that I am going to bring with me to the hospital so that we don't miss out on any memories. 

Wish me luck everyone :-)

August 20th, 2007

11:08 am: 39 weeks
Yippee!!!!! I was able to bump my appointment today from 6 PM up to 1:45 so I'll know SOONER when we might be able to schedule an induction. Anthony and Olivia will be going with me. Can't WAIT!

August 18th, 2007

08:29 pm: Less than 1 week to go?!?!
Can it really be that we have less than one week to go before we meet our new little family member?!?!? 

If they induce me on Tuesday, that's only 3 more days!!!!!!!!!!! Working from home has made these last few weeks of being pregnant so much more bearable. It's really flying by! Baby will be here before we know it! 

My prediction: BOY, will be born on Thursday at 11PM and will have brown hair, blue eyes like his Daddy

July 29th, 2007

02:18 pm: Wow, these journals are moving really slow lately.

July 26th, 2007

11:12 am: My shower is in 15 minutes. Why do I feel nervous?! Stage fright I guess. LOL

July 25th, 2007

09:22 am: Did I mention that Anthony made a really nice trail through our woods?! He went through with the tractor the other day and with the neighbor boy's help and his 4-wheeler, they carved out a trail so that we can walk on it, the neighbors can ride their quads, and we can ride the horses on it too! It's a little more challenging making a trail suitable for riding horses because you have to not only look down, but up too! Anthony was able to borrow the neighbor's tree trimmer to trim down the higher up branches. He did a great job! Now I think I have a little poison ivy on my hand from the dogs running through the woods and me petting them but it isn't too bad. Usually I either don't get poison ivy, or it goes away really quickly with some calamine lotion. 

I wanted to take some pictures yesterday but didn't have my camera and the house was too far to walk :-) Maybe today after work we'll take some!

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